Sex Again

So... Sex after baby. Let's chat about that for a minute. I got the "green light" from my OBGYN at my 6 week checkup. I managed to stave off the deed as long as I thought I could without causing my husband to run off with another woman.

But let me tell you, what I used to enjoy has now because one big massive stress ball. Why? You ask. Well, because I had an episiotomy. It was not fun while it was healing, and now that it is, I am not interested in getting it back. So while my husband is happy as a clam, I'm thinking, "OMG! Is it tearing open?! Ouch! That hurts! I hope he doesn't feel like he's 'throwing a hot dog down a hallway' (Got that from Jenny McCarthy's book) and, "Is this going to be over soon?" Oh, and lets not forget the breast feeding concerns. "I sure hope he doesn't touch my nipples, because they are sore today. I also hope I don't spring a leak like I've read can happen sometimes."

So sex - at this point anyway - is no fun to me. I wonder if I'll ever find it fun again.

Yep... Still Here

And I have a new irritation. Women who think they need to come into my office and tell me their birth stories. And/or people who think they need to come look at me like a zoo animal, and then tell me something stupid. OK. Normally, I don't think this would bother me so much. But there are a couple people in particular that come to mind that I am really getting tired of.

Today before I could even get settled into my office there was a voice from behind me. "Your here!" "Um yes, I am." and I'm still trying to put my bags down. Can't I frickin' get in the door before I'm bothered? And these people don't get the hint when I keep doing whatever it is I'm doing and don't even participate in the conversation with them. You'd definitely think they'd get the hint by my continuous typing, and flipping through different screens while they ramble on and on and on and on and on.

Why is it so surprising that I'm still here? Seriously? This is my first baby, and statistics say that most first babies are born late. NOT EARLY! Of course I'm hoping for early, but not like I'm really holding out hope. (Especially after my last Dr. Apt.) But we'll see. When DJ comes back into town, the "home remedies" are on man! He better have taken his vitamins. That's all I've got to say.

Prego Update

Well, nothing's happening in prego land. Except that, DJ is down in the Big W for the next two days to work on his tractors and whatever farmers do this time of year. So I asked him, "How much do you want to bet I go into labor while you're gone?" So we'll see what happens.

I've got a new a weird-ness going on too. Now when I lean forward, I hear a sloshing noise. My SIL likened me to a water balloon ready to burst. Yep. She's pretty much right. If anyone bumps me just right, I just might go.

People are also looking at me like I'm a freak. Whatever. As if I'm the only pregnant woman on the planet or something. I'm also getting tired of people asking me, "Are you really going to work up until you go into labor?" Ummm... Yes. Why do I want to sit at home? Seriously. And waste my vacation time sitting at home waiting to pop? I think not. But come on people. I'm not going to work until my water breaks. I suspect I'll go to my Dr. apt on Friday and see what he says. If things look to be progressing in "the land down under", then maybe I'll take next week off. Who knows.

I also learned a new word! I was listening to the radio and the guy was talking about how his girlfriend had given him two black eyes (two separate occasions). The radio hosts asked, "did you do anything to deserve it?" The guy then said, "Well, one time I did go into SDM, but the other she just hauled out and hit me." SDM, are you ready? SDM means Super Dick Mode! Yes! The radio guys even had a sound clip for it. It was hilarious! So that's my new acronym. SDM. I'll be sure to use it next time someone in my life is a super dick.

Let's Complain

OK. So I just had a heated argument with my interrupting husband.
"Dear, I think you should tell your mom that if she plans to buy that stroller for us that she should plan ahead if she wants to have it in time for the shower. Because I didn't see it in the store at Target, and she might have to special order it or order it off the web."

"She said she looked on the registry and it wasn't there."

"Yeah, you told me that last week and I looked it up. Remember? It's on both registries. If it wasn't there when she looked, then she didn't look very good."

"No, she printed it out and I didn't see it either."

"OK then, if that's the case, she did that the very same week we registered because either the week after or the week after that, I added the stroller to both registries. What she's looking at is old. I also told you last week that they were there."

"Well, I'm telling you that the print out didn't have it."

"I'm telling you, if that's the case, they are there now. She'll have to look again."

"The printout didn't have it."

"LOOK AGAIN! It's fricken there! ON BOTH REGISTRIES!!!! See, here it is." --I show him both registries. There are even pictures!!!!!

"Well, it wasn't there on her printout."

"Who the fuck cares about the printout?! It's obviously old. It's there now, so she can find it and buy it. So you can either tell her, or I'm just buying the fucking stroller myself when I go back to Target next. What, do you just look once and then never look again?"

"I'm just telling you it wasn't on her printout. Maybe there is something wrong with the registry."

"I JUST FUCKING SHOWED YOU IT WAS ON BOTH REGISTRIES! There is even a picture of the stroller set, so if she can't read, she can find the picture that looks like a stroller! Besides, she knows the price, so just look for that price and I can 100% guarantee that will be the stroller set."

OK. So my faithful friends. You tell me. Visit my registries and YOU TELL ME. Are they there? Can you find them? Is it so totally difficult and am I the only fucking genius that knows how to look through online registries? Can you find the pretty picture?

Where Did My Ankles Go?

Last night I decided I needed to clip my toe nails. Well... I couldn't get to them to clip them. It was actually a pretty funny site. I felt the most like a weeble wobble that I have so far in this experience. I was in the chair, trying to grab my foot with one hand, while holding the clippers in the other. I never did get close enough to clip them. Let along get close enough to them for long enough time to remove and reapply polish.

I then asked my loving husband to please do it for me. I suspect that you know his response. "Heck no!". So today, after my Dr. Apt. I decided to go across the street to the Asian Nail place. They were busy, so I headed home. Then realized there was a salon near by, and decided to stop in and see if I could get in right away. They could. And I got an English speaker, so it was fun. This is when I found myself apologizing for being so disgusting right off the bat with a person who doesn't know me. Then I removed my shoes. OMG! I knew my ankles were getting fatter, but I didn't realize I was turning into the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man's sister. My foot was all rounded out like it just ate a ham, and my ankle knuckles were no where to be found. Of course she told me that it didn't matter because she'd seen much worse, and that at least I had a reason. I am very pregnant. This made me better, but I still apologized to her about twice more.

OK. Here is a question for you. What do you think? I spent $60 (including tip) on this pedicure. Here is what I got.

1. A really cute English speaking girl, which was fun because we talked the whole time about funny stuff and it made the time go by faster
2. A very much needed exfoliant
3. I also got a special lotion that is supposed to take my cankle swellage down a notch or two.
4. I didn't get a cool massage chair to sit in.
5. I didn't get a super cool massage on my calves.
6. I did get a very much needed exfoliant
7. I also got a special lotion that is supposed to take my cankle swellage down a notch or two.
8. Total time spent in spa: 1 Hour

The place I normally go costs me $35 (including tip). What I get

1. A non English speaker, who usually speaks to her partner the whole time while I read a magazine
2. The cool massager chair that amuses me for about 5 minutes before I have to turn it off.
3. The latest gossip magazines to read through while the Asian speakers talk amongst themselves.
4. A calf massage
5. A hot towel/steam bath for my calves
6. Total time spent in store: 1 1/2 to 2 hours

So which one should I go back to? I really liked being able to talk to my girl, but obviously didn't like the cost. If I only get a pedicure every 3 months or so, is it really that harmful if I fork over $60 for it?

Oh, BTW DJ thinks I paid $30 for this pedicure because that's what I told him I spent on the first one. I didn't correct him when I said, "look at my pretty feet!" and he said, "That's all they do for $30?!" I just said, "But they're pretty, and you didn't have to do anything to them." Then the convo went to how huge my cankles were, and we digressed from there.