Things I've been wanting to Share Pt1

These are old news now, but maybe they will be equally entertaining as they would have been had I posted them at the time of the haps.

Let me take you back to two Tuesdays ago. It was a cold November 18th. I was driving our crappy "in case of" car because mine was in the shop being worked on. I was driving to work in the morning when 10 miles away from my office it starts to act weird. I decide that I must have a tire going down, so I decide to pull over before it blows completely. I pull over to the side of the road and my car dies completely. --Weird-- So I start to checkout my gauges. To the far right, I see the problem. I RAN OUT OF GAS! This damn car didn't even have a light that turns on to alert me of the problem. Stupid thing! So here I am on a very cold windy morning, in an old rusty car. Broken down, 10 miles from my office.

Luckily, the car started again and I was able to make it another mile before it died on me again. I was able to coast up an exit ramp. Then I called a coworker and asked him what a person does in this sort of situation. He first laughed at me, then told me he had a gallon of gas in his garage because he runs out of gas more often then a person should. So he came to my rescue! Yippie. It was totally embarrassing because of the way my car looked. No one even stopped to ask if I needed help. I think it was because they saw my ugly car and thought that this must happen to me all the time.

Thank GOD for cell phones! and that I actually had mine with me that day!

Spit In My Face Bitch!

That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time! No, it's not something that DJ said to me. It's something I heard on my radio station this morning. Sometimes I tune in to Lex & Terri, a Texas based "shock-Jock" radio station. --Two alpha males, just being rude to their callers, and being silly.

So this lady calls in and proceeds to tell this story of how she and her new boyfriend of a couple months finally got down to "business" last night, and in the middle of it, he grabs her hair (So hard her neck hurt, she said) and yells, "Spit in my face bitch!". She said this in her version of exactly how he said it. A short and loud man voice. It was so funny how she said it, and how serious she was about needing advice on what to do, that after about the third or fourth time of her saying it, I burst out laughing in my cube. I couldn't hold it in. The guys on the radio were laughing at her too.

I was laughing so hard. (You know how I get when I laugh too hard. I can't help it, and I know I look ridiculous. I also get weak and can't stand.) That's how hard I was laughing. And no one was there to share it with me. I laughed so hard, my eyes were crying. The only thing I could do was email my friend Jordan. She's the only one that would appreciate this story. Which she did. Too bad you guys couldn't have heard what I heard. It was frickin' HILARIOUS!

I'll tell you what I would have done. I would probably have burst out laughing as I did when she said it. But at him. Then, I'd probably laugh so hard at him, I'd pee on him. Then I'd get up and leave that loser naked on the floor (or wherever it was we were doing it.)

I can't wait to tell DJ! He's going to think it's hilarious too!

Annoying White People

White people up here are so annoying up here.   They pretty much butcher any spoken language that isn't English. Actually, I can't even really give them all that credit, because the truth is, if it's not a word that they use all the time, then they will butcher the crap out of it.  Most of the time, they don't even acknowledge that they are pronouncing it wrong.  (Usually, I'm so embarrassed if I am using a word I don't know how to pronounce that I say something like, "I don't know how to say this, but..."  or "blah blah blah, or however you say that."  I think most of you've heard me do this.) They don't even try to pronounce it the right way, even when someone uses the word correctly.  Here are a couple examples.

 

Kashi.  How do you pronounce that?  KAH-she  right?  Up north, it's called KAY-SHE, or Ku-SHE, or any other way you can make those letters sound other than the way the company pronounces it.

 

I mentioned how great the Kashi brand of products was to my MIL one day.  I introduced it to  her as KAH-she.  She said she saw it in the store one day, and in the same conversation of me pronouncing it KAH-she, she called it KAY-SHE.   Whatever. I called it KAH-she a couple more times while we talked about it, but she won't get it.  It's forever engrained in her head as KAY-SHE.

 

Another one I have issues with is "Pico de Gallo".  That's Peeko-day-GUY-oh right? Nope, you're totally wrong.  It's Pick-O-day-GaLLow.  As in, we took him to the gallows to rot.  This one bugs me so much.

 

I was at Qdoba today (that's another one.  it's QUE-DOE-Buh.  right?  Nope.  It's Ki-doe-bay or Ki-do-buh here.)  Anyway.  The chick behind me orders Pick-O-day-GaLLow.  The server says, "Peeko-day-GUY-oh ?", The chick says, "Pick-O-day-GaLLow please."  Now, I really want to know whether or not she thought her word was something different than the servers word?  Like the server was trying to give her something else, and she for sure as heck didn't want any of that guy-O crap.  "yulk."  But that Gallow stuff!  That's pretty tasty.

 

I for one, would sure as heck not want anything from the Gallows.  Especially anything that could be eaten.  It'd probably consist of something bones and something flesh.  Yikes!

My Vacation

My vacation to ABQ went quite well. DJ and I did very little, and it was fabulous! I love it when he's lazy. I wish he were like that more often.

I'm not going to bore you with details, but wanna hear a gross sister's boyfriend story? Of course you do!

Let's cut right to the chase. Turns out, he likes to pick his boogers. All the time. In front of crowds. While talking to you, sitting in a living room full of family... Then roll them around in his fingers for a while before either they disintegrate, or he wipes them somewhere. I don't know which. DJ had his own personal experience with it while he was talking to the guy. He just reached up there and dug for gold in the middle of the convo. And according to D, he really went to town. All the while, still talking. No apologies for the dig. Then the next day, we were all gathered in the living room watching football, he was in the front of the room, in front of the TV, (So in eye shot of everyone) just digging away, and then rolling it around. It was making me sick. I turned to D and told him not to shake his hand when they leave tonight. ha! The worst part was, once I noticed it, I was fixated on watching how many times he did it. He'd pick his nose, roll it around for a while, then pick his ear then go back to the nose. It was DISGUSTING! I don't ever remember him doing that when he and I were friends. It must be a new habit that my sister brought on. Maybe he does it so she will stay away from her. ha ha ha ha!

Temperatures

This morning I awoke to TWO inches of snow. TWO FRICKIN'INCHES. Al-freakin- ready. To top it all off, there is a nice layer of ice below the fluffy snow because it rained before it started to snow. So the roads are nice and slick this morning. Oh, I forgot to mention that because I live in the middle of nowhere, where all it is is flat, its always windy. So the snow is also blowing everywhere. I imagine I'll have my own little blizzard for the rest of the winter to deal with.

I've decided there is nothing more scarey than having to trust the idiots turning right, while you are in oncoming the left lane. Watching all those cars turn right next to me, with no median between you really worried me. I'd much rather be responsible for the damage to my own car thank you very much. Especially because it's the first nasty weather up here, so people haven't quite yet put on their snowy-weather thinking caps.

I had my own little adventure when I turned in to get coffee. To get to the speaker, you have to go down to the second turn in to the parking lot, and fall into line. I on occasion, if no one is there, just make a wide turn at the first one, and turn into the speaker. Stupidly, I decided to do this this morning, thinking it'd be safer than going down to the second driveway which looked a lot more snowpacked. Next thing I know, I'm sliding. Right into the curb. Luckily I was already slowed down quite a bit, so even though I hit the curb, I was going very slow. The funny thing was. Someone had done it before me because I slid right in to someone elses tracks! ha! That made me laugh. Quite an adventure for my Grande Lowfat Mint Mocha.

I'll post pictures of the snow later.

The Competency of the Twenty Something Crowd is Seriously Depleted

I thought the twenty-somethings were supposed to be the "gadget kids", but yesterday I realized that that must be the teenage crowd. For some reason all signs of intelligence has escaped this group. Now, I'm not specifically speaking about those of you that are my friends and members of this group, because after all, if I've decided I like you, you are very definitely not an idiot. Which would therefore, qualify you to be an anomaly. Therefore, you are excluded from this rant.

My hope for the future for America was almost shattered yesterday when I went into a UPS Store to mail a package to a friend. The first girl, (probably still in high school) helped me promptly, took my package to the back to box it up with peanuts and stuff. She came back, set it down, put on her coat and left. No word to the other workers that she was headed out, and that I would need some assistance. So I stood there. Waiting for the other two (Bimbino, and Bimbette) to finish with their customers so that I could be helped.

After a few minutes, not too long of a wait, but enough to start to be irritated, Bimbino helped me. He was about 6 feet tall, the counter was about 3 1/2. So he folded his body in half to put his face right up to the monitor to type in the information I had entered into the address form. Look down at the form, plaster face to screen, look down at form, plaster face to screen. This was the routine for about 10 minutes (OK, I exaggerate, but it was more than 5 minutes for sure!). With the occasional "ummm, errr, ok". Why did it not occur to Bimbino to turn the monitors face upward so he could see it without having to bend so far over? The monitor was a new model, and could easily accommodate this. I almost did it for him. He hands me my receipt. He's typed in the address wrong. So here I go again. Look down at the form, plaster face to screen, look down at form, plaster face to screen. Another 5 minutes have passed (by this time, I'm actually watching the clock)by the time he thinks he's gotten it right. Then he starts handing me all this paperwork. I have no idea what the heck it all was! Then he takes it all from me to staple it. When he did this, he put the label to the box down on the counter. So to ensure that a. the label was right this time, and b. that the label actually made it to the intended package, I picked it up and stuck it on myself. He handed me my stack of receipts and I left the store. Very insecure if my package would make it's destination or not, and feeling very sad that this is the face of the twenty something-generation. Floppy "I think I'm original hair, but really this style was popular in the 70's, but I'm too dumb to know that", hairdo and all.

The only thing that held my hope for the future, is that this group is right behind my group (which, eeek, I guess would be the, EEEK! thirty-something crowd. Oh MY GOD Buffy, did I just say that out loud?!) This consoled me for one reason and one reason only. They are too close to my generation that they won't be able to screw up the world because my generation will pass it off to the generation behind them! This generation will probably still be smoking pot, working in gas stations, fast food restaurants, and the like, and won't even notice when they've got from hot young studs to lonely old people.

That reminds me. I better check the tracking on my package...