One Horrible Way for Me to Realize Just How Fat I Really Am

So, I admit it. I watched that stupid "Big Fat Loser" show last night. I think it might actually inspire fat asses like myself to do something about their horrible, grotest, and apparently publically apalling fattyness.

In the first 15 minutes of the show they required all "players" to weigh in. They are players because they are all vying to win $250,000 or something. The person who loses the most, wins. To my horrible shock. I only way 2 pounds less than one of the lard asses on that show. Is this not horrible? And a month ago I weighed more than her!!!!!! Is this not a horrible way to realize just how fat and ugly I really am? I looked at this girl and thought, it's OK there is no way I look like that though. I must be more muscular or taller or something... Aparently I was in denial. But this morning it is clear. I am just as horrifyingly fat as the people on that show.

This girl looked very round to me, and seemed to have a lot of round fluffy fat on her. I wonder if this is how people persee me? When I see myself, I see areas that need work, but I don't see big ole rolls of fat. I wonder if that is what other people see when they see me? I haven't worked out since before my wedding, when I lost a lot of weight (not as much as I would have liked becuase I had that accident, but still, I was pretty happy at the amount I had lost. Even though few people noticed) I attribute the lack of working out two reasons, a. No money to join a gym, and b. I don't like to just go lift weights. I like to do the classes, they keep me interested and motivated. So the little gym in my apartment complex has only held my attention once in the 3 months that I've been here. So, turns out, I'm not more muscular than this fatty on TV last night. I must look just like her to people around me.

Of course, I'm not in denial about my fattyness in the first place. But I in no way would have thought that I could have been a candidate for a show like this. Isn't that a horrible way to realize that you are morbidly obese instead of just pleasantly plump? I know I have my problem areas, but I didn't think I looked like a Wolly Mammoth to other people. So now I don't even want to be undressed in front of anyone. I just want to find baggy cloths and hide it all.

And to make it all worse, what is the point of even trying to make myself look good at this stage in the game anyway? My husband has has said that all women after having a baby have ugly stretch marks and just aren't as nice looking as they were before having the baby. Not even hot girls look good after they have a baby, or even the girls that work hard to get back into shape because the stretch marks are still there. So, even if I worked my ass off to look good now, it's not going to matter in a few years because my body will just be permanently ruined to him after I squeeze out one or two of his love children. So what's the point anyway??? Of course, there is the slim chance that I will be one of the lucky girls that doesn't acquire these lovely stretch marks. And maybe, just MAYBE that could be true if I don't lose weight, because the baby could just grow underneath all of my nasty fat, and noone will even know I'm pregnant. Then I wouldn't have any stretch marks, and after that I could work my ass off to look like a hot super model.

Before the wedding, on the rare occasion that I would go out and eat a full meal with a friend, I would get sick. (I'm sure this is a result of my dieting, and not eating big meals at one given time, and that I wasn't eating really rich foods, so don't think something is wrong with me.) This would happen not even at times that I would stuff myself. Just a couple bites, and I'd be sick. That was gross... but also kind of great, because I continued to lose weight. I think the Anorexics of the world aren't so bad off afterall. I mean, of course they are, because some people really have a problem where they weight 60 lbs and think they are fat. But people like me could probably benefit from their methods. I'm thinking more and more, that is the way to go on days that a person over does it. Maybe I should just stop eating altogether.